Aliens – Do They Know It’s Christmas Time At All?

Well no, because they’re aliens. But what if we have to explain it all to them? Just as we have many questions for them, they surely will have for us.

If we believe the reports… aliens have been appearing in our skies for a very long time. Some of these sightings have occurred at Christmas time. So one day – maybe even one Christmas Day – an alien might actually decide to set down his space craft, get out, and go in search of the nearest human for a much anticipated conversation. The first human he’ll run into on Christmas Day will likely be a lone drunkard, staggering along a deserted street hunting in vain for an open shop to sell him more booze and a box of Marlboro’s.

I won’t blame the alien for feeling perplexed – without knowing it – he has simply chosen to land on the wrong day. No reception party? No President or Queen to welcome him? His first question to the drunkard might well be:

“Where-are-all-your-people?”

“Eeets *hic* quiwistmas”.

“What-is-quiwistmas?”

A good question.

But would the drunkard be the one to answer it? Let’s face it… none of the slurred words that break through his vodka breath are going to make much sense to an alien. And the moment he lurches forward in an attempt to shake the alien’s hand (or paw, or tentacle) but falls over instead, cursing the pavement, cursing the shops for being closed, cursing the alien for not having any cigarettes… that will probably be the time he gets himself ray gunned.

And now I wonder… how am I going to handle it if an alien sets down his craft in my back garden on Christmas Day and demands to know why the Queen isn’t here to greet him.

“Where-are-all-your-people?”

“WHOA. Erm… hello. My people? Everywhere’s deserted, because it is Christmas.”

“What-is-Christmas?”

“What’s Christmas? Well… well it’s like this, see… it is believed by a billion or so humans – and not believed by maybe another billion but they go along with it anyway – that today is the birthday of a man that had very special powers and lived on the earth over two thousand years ago. We call this day… Christmas Day. We celebrate this man’s birth.

And we celebrate it by raising and nurturing and fattening-up special birds then slaughtering them so that we can eat them. We flock to packed-out supermarkets where we push and shove one another and run over each other’s feet with shopping trolleys in order to purchase a month’s supply of food and enough alcohol to intoxicate a small village and consume it all in three days. We cut down special trees and put them in our homes, then we hang coloured balls from their branches. We send our children out into the streets at night without adult supervision to knock on doors, sing special songs then hold out their hands for money. We buy each other gifts and then we pray to the very man we’re doing all this for that the gift we bought will be exactly what our loved one wants. We close all of our shops and businesses and we watch ‘The Sound Of Music’ on our televisions. This is Christmas.”

I wonder if the alien would find me as crazy as any drunkard and point his ray gun at me?

How would YOU explain Christmas to an alien?

Merry *hic* quiwistmas, everyone.

Danny has worked as a Radio Presenter at a number of stations around the UK since beginning his career in 1994. He has a love of travel, motorcycling and, of course, writing. He is currently single and lives in Northampton, England. When he is not here with us at JAQUO we know where to find him… over at his personal blog The Purveyor !